chriskingftw

My phone has been broken and not turning on for almost 3 days now, so that sucks. However, I just woke up from 17 hours of sleep after coming home at 7 yesterday from a graduation party after American Idol auditions.

So none of us made it through Round 1, but who cares? Friday I went up with Jesse and Gavin, but since I was still 17, I had to come back again way later with my mother. So Sunday, we were separated and I was with just my mother, which was fine, but a little disappointing. For a while, I was bored just sitting around, and when I heard singing and clapping out in the halls behind the stadium seats, I got up to see what was all the noise.

Nice choice. A group of maybe 30 or more people all of different styles, personalities, races, genders, orientations, everything completely different, were all standing around singing and performing for one another. I joined the circle, and was there for maybe 2 or so hours. I felt bad I left my mom alone, but I checked up on her from time to time. She didn't mind, she met people of her own, so I felt less guilty. People kept rotating in and out, and we all started singing and dancing in group songs. Every person was cheered on, and everyone was respected no matter who they were. It was like we were all in it together, without the High School Musical sing-alongs. I ended up winning over the attention of the entire circle when I stood in the middle and began saying "Hakuna Matata. What a wonderful phrase..." and suddenly about 40 people erupted in laughter and cheering, then began to sing along. Some incredibly tall African man who resembled a basketball player or maybe a giant on top of the beanstalk joined me in the circle and sang along as well, and then I really felt like I was having fun. After hours of singing along to others, just by myself, or starting songs for others to join along, I ended up getting more compliments than I have ever received in my entire life combined. And from people who I thought were absolutely incredible and better than me.

The best part is, they didn't seem insincere. One guy I really liked a lot was a "Justin Timberlake impersonator" he said, and he really did sort of look and sound like Justin, if Justin were less ghetto and more attractive. Old Justin, maybe. But he and I teamed up and started a ton of boy band sing alongs and when he pulled me aside to give me advice on what to sing for auditions after hearing my song, I realized someone else in the world liked Little Shop of Horrors as much as I did and I felt a very nice bromance coming along. Some man asked if we would take a picture with his daughter because she loved our voices and wanted to remember us, so we did. It was pretty sick. Some other girl that sounded exactly like Alicia Keys... maybe even better... was there and she blew me away. We were happy when she came back after leaving. For a white girl, she had so much soul! There were definitely like 10 people that stood out the most from that day, and people cheered when they were around, and inspired others to do better. I was one of those people, for once, and it felt really, really good. People looked to me to start new songs, and we would toss back sincere compliments and advice. It was so down to Earth. I wish I could party every day with the people I was with, I loved each and every single one of them SO much, it is unbelievable. SUCH talent, charisma, personality, and it was just beautiful. And they loved meeeeeee.

In the audition line, I made friends with everyone around me, and we watched some very unattractive older woman shake her ass around "like a Polaroid picture" in competition with some other guy in a yellow shirt that the audience was cheering on for hours. He was dancing up on the seat to stuff like YMCA and the audience was obsessed with him. When he sat down, they booed and wanted him back. Then, people asked him for his information so he handed them business cards, and he was kicked out because of it, before he even auditioned. If you have never heard multiple thousand people "booo" before in your life.... hear it. It was sort of incredible that so many people could love someone they have never even met, just for being strange and outlandish. Then I realized that it is people like that that make an impact.... and that is why he got kicked out. SO lame! But oh well!

We got to the line, and we made a pact to not laugh at each other and since we all got to know each other for almost an hour we were in line, we all felt more confident. Didn't matter. They had given out so many "yes's" to people beforehand, that it was obvious they were holding back a lot. The 12 people in front of us didn't make it, and some I was SURE would make it. Watching earlier in the day, the booth we were at was giving them out more than any other booth, and it seemed 1 in 6 or so made it through. No one before us, or with us made it. They told the four in front of us "Sorry... but oh well, you all have the best smiles we've seen all day?" And they told us "You were all really good singers, I mean it. But you need more confidence." It is funny that four relative strangers happen to all have the best smiles next to each other, then the next 4 all have a lack of confidence in common. I wonder what the four behind me had in common. I learned their names, and maybe it was that they all ended in "A", except Cherise, which could be "Cherisa" if it really had to be?

It doesn't matter. I saw some of the people from the circle earlier who were absolutely brilliant singers that didn't make it. They must not have had the image. They told one girl "Sorry, we're a little tired of the "pretty blond" look." But didn't say her voice was shit... just her image. It is too bad, really, I feel bad for others that didn't make it. But I don't care that I didn't make it. I mean, I do, but I don't. I am not losing much from it. I don't want to be a famous singer and I don't even watch their TV show. I want to be an illustrator. I had so much fun yesterday that it never mattered if I made it or not. The people I met I will always remember and I know a lot of people will always remember me. I feel very good about myself, my ability to meet people, inspire others, gain attention without begging for it, being attractive, and talented. People like me. People respect me. I like other people, and respect other people. Mostly, I now respect myself. So if I took nothing else from this experience, I at least took self-respect.

Comment on this post and I will:

1. Write a short poem about you.
2. Give you a super power.
3. Tell you one thing that you've done I respected/enjoyed.
4. Tell you one thing you've done that I wasn't a fan of.
5. Describe you in a handful of adjectives.
6. Create a ridiculous rumor about you in the reply.
7. Rate your appearances from 1 to 10.
8. Rate your personality from 1 to 10.
9. Give you an idea of how important you are to me.
10. Give you an idea of how important I'd like you to be to me.
11. Tell you your greatest strength.
12. Tell you something you should probably work on.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. But when I really think about it, I'm not much of an ugly person, I have a really big heart regardless of whether I choose to show it, I am fairly talented, and if I decide I want one enough, I could have a future. There are probably as many if not more things wrong with me than right, but the fact that I have some redeeming qualities is important to me.

I only worked for 3 hours today, I got sent home early because it was slow, which was alright. I was only filling in for a friend anyway. I love working at Famous, even after almost 3 years. It is definitely a place I can be without feeling anxious, unwanted, and unneeded. I walk in and they all love to see me, and some even get sad when I forget to say hello to them. I love that. People that actually want me around.

Meg was telling me about how much she is going to miss me when we go off to college and have to get jobs with people we don't know, and likely people we won't want to wok with. It made me really happy to know that someone like Meg, who before I started working with, was just an acquaintance I grew up around, and our parents talked at the gym or whatever. I love that girl now more than I love most people, and I enjoy working with her a lot. I sometimes forget how lucky I am to have some people in my life that truly want me around and appreciate me for just being alive. It is definitely reassuring.

The strange thing is, before this year, I have never met anyone that just didn't like me. All of my friends I have had, or people I have actually met or spoken to say things like "I used to think you were such an asshole, but that was before  I ever spoke to you. Now I love you!", etc. But once people meet me, they like me. Always... until senior year. Its sad because I like everyone in the Drama Club, but not all of them like me. And I guess that makes sense, there are a lot of people there, and knowing that at least half of them or more like me is something I should be fine with. But it was just a rude awakening to meet people that actually spent time around me and still just didn't like me or were not willing to give me a chance. But I am glad, because I needed someone to humble me and instead of being bitter about it, I will take it as a learning experience. I just wish I understood it, but I will get over it.

I hope I develop even stronger workaholism. I am at my best when I am focused, a lot of people have told me. Even Scanlan, who I thought couldn't see past herself at all, recognized this. If I spend my entire life working, I can shrink away from all of the hurt, have a scape goat to explain away my current lack of social life, and an excuse to ignore all of the people that only keep me around to have someone to talk about. Plus, I will be making "mad loot". And the people there like me, a lot, even after three years. I love that. And I guess if I have something that makes me happy besides being happy to be miserable, then I am a lucky person. Now bring on the cash dollaz.

Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now (don't list names):

1. I guess I'm pretty happy we elected you as President. You've been fine so far, but maybe try to be less of an Oprah, and more of a Martin Luther. Be strong, not stylish. And I don't really care what your wife and children wear, but my mother does, so nice job.

2. I've repressed my resentment towards you my entire life because I have pretended to accept your nature, but I don't think a child should ever have to accept that the person who is supposed to love them the most has no ability to and is too silently selfish  to show real affection that doesn't spiral backwards into you being some ''poor victim. ''

3. You're very pretty, and you're also a good person. Congratulations, I guess?

4. I am not a very jealous person, but I will admit that you're one person I am a little bit jealous of. I think you deserve my jealousy though, you are very talented and will go so far.

5. I wish we were never friends. For a while I thought I was schizophrenic, believing everyone was conspiring against me, and out to get me. But then I found out that it was true, and I wasn't just going crazy. Oh well, I wish you luck in your life and hopefully you find true happiness so you don't need to get in the way of other's. You aren't a bad person.... sort of.

6. I miss hanging out with you, but I promise you that if you're reading this, it is not about you. Thats how much I miss you. I don't even know where you are.

7. You taught me everything I know, and if I were older, you'd be very much my type. I hate that I am so young, because there is no one my age that will satisfy me, and no one your age that is mentally stable who could satisfy me. It just isn't socially acceptable. I wish my mind and emotion didn't excel my physical limits, then I would be fine with where I am and the options I have.

8. I used to watch your TV show a lot as a child, and I never understood why so many sick freaks in the world would come on television and beat each other up because their mother slept with their son or they found a transgender midget in their child's crib or whatever... but now I get it. That shit's boss.

9. I don't care that you carry a purse, Tinky Winky. I accept you for who you are, and if you want to carry a purse, thats up to you, its your business. Who are we to judge? Shit, I wasn't supposed to leave names!

10. Fat chicks have to be nice. OR, mean girls have to be pretty. I didn't come up with the rules, it is just how they are. I am sorry, but you are fat, and you are also mean. It can't work that way, off to the gallows with you because you've just crossed the line!



Nine things about yourself:

1. I always carry Icebreaker mints.
2. I am pretty irrational at times, just ignore it or accept it, please don't criticize it.
3. I am back into party mode. Sorry I was out for so long!
4. I wish I was in the X-Men and had some sick powers.
5. I am a Leo! July 25, thats right!
6. I like a lot of people, but at the same time, never completely. I'm working on it, though!
7. I wish I could be naked all of the time, and if you've ever hung out with me, you already know this and I am sorry.
8. I want to be a father so badly when I am older, but not too much older. However, I want to be divorced with children.
9. I don't mean what I say, at least the way I say it. Half of the time I speak in riddles and metaphor, so don't take my words literally. Thats the main problem I have with people. I speak in abstractions, and if you're used to it we'll be fine!


Eight ways to win your heart:

1. Cuddle with me, regardless of who you are or whether we're "involved" or not. I like holding people.
2. Give me distance if I have other priorities, but don't push me away. Just step back once or twice and I'll get back to you!
3. Ask me to share my food, but NEVER try to share a drink with me. And don't expect me to share ice cream too often. I might, though.
4. Compliment me a lot, and even though I don't act like they affect me, they do. But only if you mean what you say!
5. Understand that I will probably not date you, and my affection isn't a forward advancement. I rarely "crush", but when I do, don't hurt me.
6. Respect me. Tell me I am talented and that you love my work, moreso than you like my appearances or outfit or whatever.
7. If you have a problem with me, tell me. Don't "confront me", just tell me something I do wrong and how you suggest I fix it. I can take criticism.
8. Make jokes with me, and try to keep me from gossiping. But don't tell me to stop being mean, just slightly rework our discussion into something harmless. I will start being moody and feeling guilty if I recognize that I am mean. Understand that even if I am mean, I am only playing and I am completely sorry in advance.


Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1. The future.
2. Sex.
3. Poetry, art.
4. Sensation and sudden urges to create new things.
5. Insecurity.
6. Happiness and self-awareness, along with depression and self-deception.
7. Music, mostly songs I write, but I get those annoying beats and words in my head like everyone else.


Six things you wish you never did:

1. Become friends with you.
2. Stop being friends with you.
3. Allow you to do what you did even though I wasn't interested.
4. Hurt everyone with my words and spiteful actions.
5. Wear eyeliner.
6. Write so much information for people to read and make fun of, which I know at least 3 people will. Maybe more, and I'm deceiving myself.

Five turn offs in a boy:

1. Obsessions.
2. Overly aggressive or hyper. Jealousy, spite, cruel intentions.
3. Lack of goals or talent
4. Unattractive, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.
5. Peculiar mannerisms. Ugly body language.

Four turn-ons in a boy:

1. Body and physical appearances. How they wear what got!
2. Confidence, but still humble when needed to be. Don't look down on me or anyone else.
3. I need to be able to approach them with how I feel. Open communication is the best.
4. Cuddly moreso than sexually aggressive. Chill out, and I will like you. :)

Three careers you would consider:

1. Illustrator/Painter
2. Writer
3. Psychologist

Two things you want before you die:

1. Have children
2. Inspire a stranger/be an idol.

One confession: 

1. I don't think I have anything to say that I wouldn't already admit if you just asked me. Maybe that I don't currently have any friends? Thats almost a lie, though. I don't know!

Reading about personality disorders scares the shit out of me, because I think I have all of them. Therefore, that means I am either a hypochondriac or I suffer from paranoia. But, you see what that means? In believing I have disorders, I HAVE them. This stuff doesn't just EXPLAIN the mind, it FUCKS with it as well.

I flirt too much. Its becoming something that is conflicting with my social skills, suddenly making me feel as if I am 'socially awkward' or 'unsuitable'. I also act too much on impulse, giving pity kisses and compliments. Feeling guilty for having an under active sex drive. I guess I try to compensate by making rude sex jokes, feign interest and make forward advancements on people I have no interest in. Typically to make them nervous, though sometimes it is because I forget that people don't know me anywhere near as well as I know myself.

I build myself up in this strange, undesirable coating when I am certain that I am a desirable, acceptable, and worthy person. But I try to come off as odd, stumbling, and overly flirtatious to make people less intimidated by me. I have/had this presence of being unapproachable, arrogant, advanced, and superior. I wouldn't say I am "superior" to anyone at all, but I am definitely a fair competition for the rest of the world. Sorry if I scare you. I don't want to sleep with you by any means, but I enjoy being ont he same planet as the rest of you. So be my friend, without ulterior motives.

I guess what I am saying is... I am sorry if I hit on you, flirt back, or make advancements just for giggles. I don't mean to toy with everyone's emotions, lead people on and astray, or make anyone uncomfortable. I have a bizarre nature and I say these things to figure out where people stand, how they react, and who they are when up against a wall. It is manipulative and cruel, strange, and sometimes overly flattering. I lack sincerity often and wish that I meant the things I say.

I am not heartless, but I am incapable of loving or being loved. I am not miserable, but I attract misery because I adore building up those with fragile egos. Though I loathe arrogance, I boast it. And though appearances do not matter, I will try my best to look great standing next to you. Which means, subtly, that yes, appearances do matter.

You can hurt me, ignore me, bend me, and bore me.
I will offer to let you explore me.
But once you agree, there's nothing to see,
And you'll all be hellbent to destroy me.


Just my words for the day. This Live journal thing could be fun. By speaking in generalizations and non-specifics, I can stress certain feelings and opinions without singling anyone out. Perhaps I'm just a Type 4 personality, sublimating my aggressions. Or perhaps I have just wasted your time if you read this. Either one, I don't mind. :)

I used to have one a few years ago, but that was short-lived. I think I logged in, added two or three friends, posted a few poems, and forgot my password.

I avoided making a new one, because to be honest, this site seems to be attention seeking and frankly, a defense mechanism in order to disguise cyber bullying and negative, aggressive feelings. Making fun of people isn't "expressing your emotions!" Unless you're incredibly clever and metaphorical about it, I guess. But snark gets so old once you're finished with puberty.

I figured I would make a new one so I could just write random things that come into my head, read other people's journals without being creepy and anonymous, and just have something to do at  3 in the morning when I'm still on a caffeine overdose from work.

I hope this does not turn into me calling people out or saying incredibly mean things out of spite or to be petty. But if I begin to rant about inconsequential, rude and offensive subjects, feel free to respectfully ask me to stop or at least make me aware of my bullshit. I can be an obnoxious bitch at times, but I plan to use this site to write things people might actually want to read.... much unlike this first post.